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Relationship Rebuilding


Introduction Rebuilding
Divorce or the ending of a long term committed relationship is almost like a form of 'surgery' and affects all areas of life.

For many people before they can go forward to the next stages of their life they need to pick up the pieces. They need to develop a whole new orientation to the life that will come and work through the normal feelings of despair, disappointment, revenge, retaliation and hopelessness.

Many approaches only talk about the problems and my approach is to provide a practical framework to look at the all important rebuilding stages where we learn from the past and develop new aspects of self which were previously unknown or hidden.

Some of the emotional needs we need to walk through during and following the ending of an important relationship parallel the stages I have worked with people on when they are recovering from the death of someone they love.

At first there is denial of the events that have taken place and a subsequent feeling of wanting to isolate oneself from the situation. Then anger with feelings of blame as well as bargaining by creating a 'ledger' to see that things are equal. This is so common over the custody of children and property settlements. Then comes a period of intense sadness which is where a lot of self hatred, self blame and feelings of failure are present. Finally one comes to the acceptance of the situation and an acceptance of self.

The rebuilding process we work through makes it possible to work through these various levels, stage by stage. It is important to give this 'rebuilding' period the time it needs, to awaken parts of the self that have been paralysed, repressed or unknown. Here each self - in this case the divorced person - come into the next part of life hope rather than failure.

Ending a relationship creates pain which is a natural, expected and healthy reaction given pain is nature's way of telling us that something in us needs to be healed.

Research has shown how on average it takes about a year to progress through the recovery process and the remaining stages another year or so and finishing the process brings incredible freedom to make balanced and clear decisions about your future life.

We are all unique individuals however there are shared patterns which all of us go through when we come to the end of an important relationship and as I work with people then they make notes and keep a journal. The stages show the specific feelings and attitudes which people normally need to progress through. Where to start how do I progress what feels at times an overwhelming situation we progress through a map which others have successfully progressed along. People often clearly report the problem areas based on their personality and previous experience of life or for some they highlight those areas they were unable to identify as a problem or block because they have effectively buried their feelings and attitudes about it.

A client suddenly recognised how she had been stuck on the rejection rebuilding element without realising it. The following session she reported considerable progress thanks to identifying the problem.

Many people are reading self help books learning the vocabulary and gaining intellectual awareness but not learning emotionally from the experience.

Emotional learning includes those experiences which register in your feelings and what we learn emotionally affects our behaviour a great deal, and much of the learning we have to do to adjust to a crisis is emotional relearning. Essentially the things we believed all of our lives may not be true and we have to relearn. This is where working with me to mirror such elements is important along with exercises to complete before our next session in working together.

The online resources, our sessions and email contact helps identify blocks and progress and keeps motivation going even when emotionally it feels tough to continue.

Denial until you can accept the ending you will have difficulty adjusting and then rebuilding. Some people react with denial or disbelief and there are no simple answered so at this stage we need to take an effort to move forwards.
There is a strong feeling of loneliness and after a period of time we accept seclusion and withdrawal and se take stock of our life through introspection, reflection and developing a connection with our inner self to embrace either feeling of guilt or rejection.

Becoming aware of the stages of grief can help you to become more emotionally aware so you can move forwards and let go of the relationship and working together means that this often difficult but important stage can begin.

Feeling anger is a natural, healthy part of being human so it is not healthy to keep your anger inside but also it is not healthy to express it aggressively so we explore ways of expressing both the anger at the end of a relationship as well as everyday anger constructively.

There now comes a time where we need to stop investing emotionally in the former relationship because failing to let go may really be a symptom that you have not been facing painful feelings within yourself. After you actually work on feelings and you successfully adjust to a crisis in your life then you view of self, yourself concept, increases your future identity so if you meet other people then you are clear who you are in your life.

The support of friends is very important and can shorten the rebuilding process in responding to a crisis in your life and to be honest friends are more valuable than potential partners right now.

It is important to look at earlier experiences and how they may have influenced our life to this point in time and exploring your attitudes and feelings in relationships with parents, family, friends and lovers are important at this stage because some of the old attitudes and feelings are helpful in new relationships and others are not. Here is time to recognise the valuable leftovers so you can keep hold of and nourish them and now work at changing those which get in the way.

Many people need to relearn how to love in order to love more maturely. It may come as no surprise how our capacity to love others is closely related to our ability to love yourself but in Western society this is often considered taboo as being selfish and conceited where research has shown, time and time again, how this is one of the most mentally healthy things we can do and how there are a number of specific steps we can take to increase our self love.

Looking towards the future then we now examine our feelings around trust and this has to be built within ourselves as a foundation for experiencing satisfying, emotionally close and thereby intimate relationships in the future.

Again looking towards the future we explore the role of responsibility for our self and extended towards others and when balanced and equal then relationships are more flexible and able to adjust to the natural stress which change creates as we progress through our life.

Being single is an important time in our life because we need always to invest in our own personal growth and build confidence again our self. This does not involve or mean becoming stuck in this stage and avoiding another relationship, no it is an important personal stage in our own development.

By our working through the all important stages I have outlined in this introductory summary you can build more meaningful relationships for the future starting with your relationship with the real you. Now you have the freedom to choose to be free and happy either as a single person or in a future relationship because freedom is being able to finally be yourself.

Research has shown that one to one online sessions offer many advantages in comparison with face to face sessions and are as good if not more effective than face to face sessions. Let us explore why. . . . .

1 - Working on line with support from email contact, written and audio materials and telephone or Skype one to one sessions offers several advantages. We work together independently of where you live so you are able to benefit from my experience regardless of travel and location.

You can work at your own pace and for people who travel on business then we can carry on our work without interruption.

2 - Costs and time given how we eliminate my overheads and reduce cost and travel for you isn't an issue so you can work from the comfort of your home and be totally focused without stress of day time appointments and travel to and from a consulting room.

3 - Working online provides special advantages. Some people find it easier to discuss issues without another person physically present and feel comfortable in our work together from the very first of our sessions.

4 - Working with material between our sessions online or downloaded to your computer enables you to work at your OWN PACE and, as the same time, feel more engaged and committed when you can read, re-read and listen to materials focusing on key areas of our work together. Then, with email support many people I have worked with report how they found it so much easier to express lengthy or complex ideas via writing them in an email knowing that they had the time to finish the thought, review and with time and space to hear back from me.

Also, the very act of writing about one's experiences can itself provide positive keys and our exchange of emails creates both a written form to reflect back on as well as the process of journalling ones thoughts for future reflection.

It also provides me, as the counsellor, with time to reflect on thoughts, feelings and other reactions to what has been written and exchanged.


During my thirty five year career, specialising in loss, transition and change, I have worked with people as they journey through the natural, but crucial, stages of recovery following the end of an important relationship.

You now have an opportunity to benefit from these powerful insights in a series of sessions that focus on 'Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends' - and all from the comfort of your home.

During our supportive work together, we will go through a multiple stage process, tailor made to your specific needs. These one to one sessions will help you break free of your old patterns in order to build a solid foundation for strong relationships in the future.

As you know, after a relationship ends you can either grow from the experience or endlessly repeat a destructive pattern. Our work together will assist you in creating a new future, free from the destructive habits of your past.


Whatever the source of your loss, our sessions and support emails, online recordings and written materials will help you discover that your feelings are entirely normal, natural and experienced by many people. You are not alone.

During our telephone sessions, you will discover the key stages of what happens to us after a relationship ends and how we work together to successfully navigate such stages.

These stages are composed of three modules with each module comprising a series of all important stages as part of the rebuilding process. When a client makes initial contact I share details of each of the various stages so that we can decide where they are on the all important rebuidling stages.

How I work with you audio introduction and discussion with Steven Warren


Listen to the online audio recording

Virtual online sessions from the comfort of your home. I have flexible hours to help suit your schedule with some evening and weekend appointments available. Get the information and one one one support you need without the high emotional and financial cost of ending a relationship or, if you relationship has ended, then the personal and financial cost of lengthy separation.

Whether you are single or separated or thinking about ending your relationship and want to learn to have better relationships, I can provide the tools for rebuilding a life of freedom to decide what you want in your future life either together with your partner or as a single person.

Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends
or is Ending

Recovering from the end of a relationship is a powerful personal journey with one challenging step after another. For most of us, it's a difficult journey - but the rewards at the end are worth it!

Are you hurting? If you have recently ended or are considering ending a relationship, you are. Those who appear not to hurt when their relationships end have either already worked through a lot of hurt, or have yet to feel the pain. So go ahead, acknowledge that you're hurting. It's natural, expected, healthy, and even okay to hurt. Pain is nature's way of telling us that something in us needs to be healed, so let's get on with the healing.

There's an adjustment process after the ending of a relationship - with a beginning, an end, and specific steps of learning along the way. While you're feeling some of the pain, you're more anxious to learn how to rebuild your future life. If you are like most of us, you probably have had some destructive patterns of behaviour for years - maybe since your childhood.

Change is hard work. While you were in a loving relationship you might have been comfortable enough that you felt no need to change. But now there is that pain. What do you do? Well, you can use the pain as motivation to learn and to grow.



I work with you in a number of ways:

(1) via virtual online sessions either by phone or Skype. . .
which last for between one to one and a half hours on a regular basis according to your needs which we establish from our first exploratory online session (you will also complete a detailed questionnaire before this session which will be sent to you after you make initial contact.)

(2) regular email support. . .
to continue progress and answer questions between our sessions and a flexible session programme lasting from three to six months or up to a year or more.

(3) the focused use of online materials such as written and audio recorded material and video materials



There are three key modules or important phases we will be working on which I term:

Module or Phase One - Recovery

Module or Phase Two
- Adjustment

Module or Phase Three
- Freedom



If you are in a relationship but reviewing with your partner if it should end and both of you wish to explore rebuilding as an alternative then I will work with you both on such a goal.




Here is an example of one of the various rebuidling stages and I have chosen the final stage FREEDOM to share on this initial overview page.



We are now at the end of the rebuilding journey and we have arrived at FREEDOM.

By working with me through the rebuilding blocks you can now build more meaningful relationships for the future. Why? Because you have the FREEDOM to choose to either be free and happy as a single person or enter into another relationship. Freedom is being who you really are and living your life to the full.

Module Three and Stage Fifteen Freedom Sample Audio




Many people ask me about how the rebuilding stages relate to children. The process of adjustment for children is very similar to that for adults. The rebuilding stages apply to the children (as they may to other relatives such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, and close friends).

Many parents get so involved in trying to help their children work through the adjustment process that they neglect to meet their own needs.

If you're a parent who is embarking on the Rebuilding journey, I recommend that you learn to take care of yourself and work through the adjustment process. You will find that your children will tend to adjust more easily as a result. The nicest thing you can do for your child is to get your own act together. Children tend to get hung up in the same rebuilding stages as their parents, so by making progress yourself, you will be helping your children, too.

I have created special written and audio recording materials if you wish to work with me in regard to you and your children.

Children Must Rebuild Sample Audio



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